I’m in a very familiar reflective, philosophical and slightly melancholy mood today. I probably experience this three times a year, usually after I’ve been somewhere or watched something that gives me a different perspective on how people choose to live their lives. On what people value. Because, whatever I might pretend, my life isn’t prioritised very well. It’s based around maintaining security and minimising risk, on smoothing over differences in opinion and avoiding conflict, on keeping my head down and accruing what I can. I hope that I am generally fun to be around, but I worry that I am rarely more than that. I’m the sarcastic guy, on the handle-end of every comment and put-down, first to ridicule and find fault and most likely last to come to for compassion and understanding.

Seeing examples of people who genuinely look out for each other, whose pleasure comes from helping other people (not to be confused with helping people out so as to appear smart) and who share raw emotional connections, with all the risk and the arguments and the sacrifices that that brings, is always a humbling experience. It is something to strive for although I’m not sure I even know the first step. No, I do know the first step and it is to acknowledge the desire to change. My problem comes tomorrow, or the day after, or next week when only the faintest shadow of this feeling remains (and yet the hollowness is there, just better concealed). How can I remind myself of the worth of taking this road and how should I measure my progress? Any ideas?